Picture of a Monster

I found this picture of my grandpa holding me. My earliest memory of him touching me was when i was 11 but looking at this picture it makes me wonder if he started earlier and i just can't remember... It hurts enough just knowing that it happened when i was 11 that it occured until i was 18 or so. It makes me sick to think that I let it go so long I finally wised up and stopped going to see him and my grandma but at a cost... I missed the last 4 months of my grandma's life shortly after making excuses as to why I couldn't come up there my grandma died of a heart attack.

I regreti t sooo much that I stopped going up there because I didn't get to spend that time with her and I loved her so much and I hate to admit it but I would of taken more abuse from him just to have been able to see her again. what kind of person does that make me be? I hated what he did to me so much. he tore me down, broke my spirit, caused so much pain within me and e doesn't even realize it. He is the reason I didn't get to see my grandma. I wish so very much she was still here I would explain to her why it is I didn't go up there.

I've tried so hard to forgive myself for the time I missed with her but I can't... I know its not my fault for what he caused to occr between us. I know I shouldn't feel quilt for stopping the abuse but I do feel quilt that I didn't tell my grandma because if I had i may of gotten to see her the last 4 months of her life... I can't forgive myself because after her death I felt sorry for the bastard because he was alone in that house so i decided to go back... that was a dumb mistake at that time I was 18 years old and thught maybe he has changed but I was wrong her death only made him worse. I was alone with him more then. this is were the major guilt comes in because I chose to go back. therefore i chose for him to continue to abuse me a part of me new it would continue... I don't understand so many things about him and why he hurt me I just wish i would of been strong enugh to tell someone about it. I miss my grandma soo very much and I am very sorry grandma that I lied to you about not being able to come see you. please forgive me.