It Hurts

I looked in the mirror today
the girl I saw was ugly and frail

later that day I looked in that same mirror
this time I wasn't frail at all but fat…

I walked away from that mirror
to the scale I weigh constantly 5 times a day.

I go to eat and calories I must count
food I must not eat

weighing in my mind is so much grief
knowing my bones show and hairs falling out,

I still continue this dangerous route
can't escape the overbearing fear of fat

so lost in thought, so lost in pain
can't seem to save me from me

if only others would see
the pain and fear I carry with me

it hurts to live this life
to eat and be happy

to constantly pretend that all is ok
it hurts to simply be me….. if only I could be free.

Sea of Tears

A child trapped within herself
wrapped tightly in a blanket of fear
drowning in a sea of her own tears

she can't seem to break free
her fear paralyzes her
the sea of pain she feels is to deep

she can't breathe or see a way out
nothing left within herself to fight
the light dims and darkness consumes her

Secret Struggle

on the outside she looks so happy
she smiles and laughs

on the inside a sadness so great persists
a war within her mind rages

she looks in the mirror at her shrinking body
her mind fears fat that isn't there

she weighs herself and the number is low again
she should be happy she reached her goal

but on the inside she is saddened she knows she could die
the number is high and her heart races, her mind tells her a different story

scared of herself but not scared enough to tell
she is ashamed of herself for she can't control it.

her mind is against her, her body is frail
she can't seem to live her life without that scale

Trapped In Misery

I see my bones
yet I look in the mirror
bones aren't what I see

I see this child desperate to be free
she wants so much to love herself
she wants to feel happy

the mirror shows her lies
she tries so hard to ignore them
yet they are strong

she tries to make herself eat
she knows she is to thin
however that little voice seems to always win

"don't eat that"
"fatty"
"ugly girl"
"disgusting child"

those are the words that sting me most
those are the words that come from my own thought
I hate my body and my body hates me.

why can't i just be free from this prison inside me.
I feel so ashamed that I trapped myself within this life of misery.
I tried to break free but always fail to see the beauty within me.

Mirror Mirror

mirror mirror on the wall
please don't lie to me today
for I've had enough of all this pain

Mirror mirror on the wall
You tell me that I am not worthy
that I deserve to fail

mirror mirror on the wall
can't you tell me that I am worthy
that I do matter

mirror mirror on the wall
can't you tell me that I am pretty
that I deserve to be happy

mirror instead you tell me lies
these lies break me
make me hate me

you tell me I am fat
you tell me that I am digesting
you tell me that I am ugly

oh please mirror be kind today
can't you once just let me be free
from all this terrible pain

oh please mirror be kind today
can't you tell me that I deserve to eat
to be happy and safe

oh please mirror be kind today
can't you tell me I am pretty
that I do matter

Letter to Grandma

Dear Grandma

i miss you so much. I am so very sorry that I missed the last few months of your life and that I didn't call you except to lie about why I couldn't come and see you on the weekends. I lied and told you that I had to work and truth is I didn't I just didn't want to go see grandpa he was doing bad stuff to me when you weren't around.

I know you got mad at me because I would come up to see you and then hide in my room and watch movies over and over but I had to do that because I was scared of him. I should of told you that he was molesting me but at the time i didn't know how… i didn't understand it, I was scared that you would think I was lying that you'd blame me in some way… because I didn't say anything and let it go on for so long. I feel so guilty that I lied to you and cut you out of my life i just didn't know how to tell you that he was doing those things to me.

I miss the good times we had together before he messed them p I loved so much coming up to see you and watching all my children together and the late nights we'd stay up and watch Mad TV and Springer. I miss you so much grandma. Please forgive me for lying to you. I wish so much that I could have been strong and been able to do something about what he did maybe if I had then we could of been able to spend more time together. I love you.

Letter to Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

I want so desperately to understand why you chose to violate me in the ways that you did when I would come up to see you on the weekends… what was it about me that you chose to molest me. Did you care that what you were doing would hurt me and make me hate myself so much that I think of death and starve myself because I think I need to disappear?

Did you ever realize that doing those things to me we wrong? I told you so many times that grandpa's aren't supposed to do that to granddaughters and you'd shrug at me like it didn't matter like I didn't matter as long as you got what you needed from me. Did you like seeing me cry and plea's for you to stop.

Did you enjoy humiliating me as I stood there by your chair as you kissed my small body or when you bribed me to let you suck my breasts. You wouldn't take no for an answer. I hate myself so much for letting you do those things to me. I should hate you but for some reason I hate myself instead. Did you plan to do these things did you wait all week in antispaction for me to come up and grandma to leave for work? was I the prize in the cracker jack box for you?

I hurt so much as a result of your violation against me, You were supposed to love and protect me and instead of taking on the loving role of grandparent you took it upon yourself to destroy the hopes and dreams of the girl in your care… that girl was me your grand daughter who loved and trusted you. I can't wrap my hands around the reasons why you'd do what you did. Its so horrible these things I can't tel l you how much shame and guilt I have for letting you put your hands down my pants and letting you stick your coffee stained tongue in my mouth…

I should hate you but I'm tore between hate and love I loved you and thought you loved me however I realize the love you had for me was not love at all I can't come up with a word for what you are. I finally wised up and decided to stop coming to see you and in doing that I missed out on the last 4 months of grandma's life because of what you did to me I had to avoid her in order to avoid you. I miss her so much and hate so very much that I couldn't tell her what happened. I wish I would have done so instead I protected you. I protected you out of fear that grandma would hate me or wouldn't believe me or that you'd deny any part in it. I hate so much that you caused me to do this to cut ties with her. I feel like you took so much away from me… my confidence, my self worth, my sense of safety, trust, happiness, and most of all my ability to love others. I feel so much hatred for the little girl I was and that hatred is mostly your fault I can't place it all on you because your only one person out of many who chose to hurt me. I wish so much that I would of stood up to you but I have to live with the fact that I didn't and you had to die with the facts that you destroyed a little whether you realized it or not. You had to die without getting to say anything to me… I hope in your last moments of life you wondered why it is I didn't call you or visit you the last few years of your miserable life. I can't forgive you for hurting me. I just wish I could forgive myself and that I can get past all of this and be a better person then you ever where.