Letter to Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

I want so desperately to understand why you chose to violate me in the ways that you did when I would come up to see you on the weekends… what was it about me that you chose to molest me. Did you care that what you were doing would hurt me and make me hate myself so much that I think of death and starve myself because I think I need to disappear?

Did you ever realize that doing those things to me we wrong? I told you so many times that grandpa's aren't supposed to do that to granddaughters and you'd shrug at me like it didn't matter like I didn't matter as long as you got what you needed from me. Did you like seeing me cry and plea's for you to stop.

Did you enjoy humiliating me as I stood there by your chair as you kissed my small body or when you bribed me to let you suck my breasts. You wouldn't take no for an answer. I hate myself so much for letting you do those things to me. I should hate you but for some reason I hate myself instead. Did you plan to do these things did you wait all week in antispaction for me to come up and grandma to leave for work? was I the prize in the cracker jack box for you?

I hurt so much as a result of your violation against me, You were supposed to love and protect me and instead of taking on the loving role of grandparent you took it upon yourself to destroy the hopes and dreams of the girl in your care… that girl was me your grand daughter who loved and trusted you. I can't wrap my hands around the reasons why you'd do what you did. Its so horrible these things I can't tel l you how much shame and guilt I have for letting you put your hands down my pants and letting you stick your coffee stained tongue in my mouth…

I should hate you but I'm tore between hate and love I loved you and thought you loved me however I realize the love you had for me was not love at all I can't come up with a word for what you are. I finally wised up and decided to stop coming to see you and in doing that I missed out on the last 4 months of grandma's life because of what you did to me I had to avoid her in order to avoid you. I miss her so much and hate so very much that I couldn't tell her what happened. I wish I would have done so instead I protected you. I protected you out of fear that grandma would hate me or wouldn't believe me or that you'd deny any part in it. I hate so much that you caused me to do this to cut ties with her. I feel like you took so much away from me… my confidence, my self worth, my sense of safety, trust, happiness, and most of all my ability to love others. I feel so much hatred for the little girl I was and that hatred is mostly your fault I can't place it all on you because your only one person out of many who chose to hurt me. I wish so much that I would of stood up to you but I have to live with the fact that I didn't and you had to die with the facts that you destroyed a little whether you realized it or not. You had to die without getting to say anything to me… I hope in your last moments of life you wondered why it is I didn't call you or visit you the last few years of your miserable life. I can't forgive you for hurting me. I just wish I could forgive myself and that I can get past all of this and be a better person then you ever where.