Happy? No...

Do you feel like you must pretend to be happy around other people... when inside you feel like you've died?... in public I put on this smile like everything is completely fine but in truth its not... nothing is ok. I feel like everything is crashing down and I can't seem to find my way out of it. I hate myself so very much and i know in my heart i have absolutely no reason to hate myself but I do... it was his fault this happened to me not mine but I seem to hate myself more then i hate him. I am so confused because he was my grandfather and was supposed to love me and instead of protecting me against things that hurt me he caused that pain... I am confused at myself because I let it continue from the time I was 11 to 19... because in some way I still love him but seriously hate him too.. I mean not everything he did was bad we had good times too.

I wish so bad that I could just focus on those good things... except the bad things are winning out and flooding my mind... I'm so very tired of all this I am 26 yrs old now and can't seem to get past what he did to me... I just want to feel good about myself, to feel like i deserve to be happy, to feel loved but I don't feel any of those things... I feel mostly empty...