Mirror Mirror

mirror mirror on the wall
please don't lie to me today
for I've had enough of all this pain

Mirror mirror on the wall
You tell me that I am not worthy
that I deserve to fail

mirror mirror on the wall
can't you tell me that I am worthy
that I do matter

mirror mirror on the wall
can't you tell me that I am pretty
that I deserve to be happy

mirror instead you tell me lies
these lies break me
make me hate me

you tell me I am fat
you tell me that I am digesting
you tell me that I am ugly

oh please mirror be kind today
can't you once just let me be free
from all this terrible pain

oh please mirror be kind today
can't you tell me that I deserve to eat
to be happy and safe

oh please mirror be kind today
can't you tell me I am pretty
that I do matter

Letter to Grandma

Dear Grandma

i miss you so much. I am so very sorry that I missed the last few months of your life and that I didn't call you except to lie about why I couldn't come and see you on the weekends. I lied and told you that I had to work and truth is I didn't I just didn't want to go see grandpa he was doing bad stuff to me when you weren't around.

I know you got mad at me because I would come up to see you and then hide in my room and watch movies over and over but I had to do that because I was scared of him. I should of told you that he was molesting me but at the time i didn't know how… i didn't understand it, I was scared that you would think I was lying that you'd blame me in some way… because I didn't say anything and let it go on for so long. I feel so guilty that I lied to you and cut you out of my life i just didn't know how to tell you that he was doing those things to me.

I miss the good times we had together before he messed them p I loved so much coming up to see you and watching all my children together and the late nights we'd stay up and watch Mad TV and Springer. I miss you so much grandma. Please forgive me for lying to you. I wish so much that I could have been strong and been able to do something about what he did maybe if I had then we could of been able to spend more time together. I love you.

Letter to Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

I want so desperately to understand why you chose to violate me in the ways that you did when I would come up to see you on the weekends… what was it about me that you chose to molest me. Did you care that what you were doing would hurt me and make me hate myself so much that I think of death and starve myself because I think I need to disappear?

Did you ever realize that doing those things to me we wrong? I told you so many times that grandpa's aren't supposed to do that to granddaughters and you'd shrug at me like it didn't matter like I didn't matter as long as you got what you needed from me. Did you like seeing me cry and plea's for you to stop.

Did you enjoy humiliating me as I stood there by your chair as you kissed my small body or when you bribed me to let you suck my breasts. You wouldn't take no for an answer. I hate myself so much for letting you do those things to me. I should hate you but for some reason I hate myself instead. Did you plan to do these things did you wait all week in antispaction for me to come up and grandma to leave for work? was I the prize in the cracker jack box for you?

I hurt so much as a result of your violation against me, You were supposed to love and protect me and instead of taking on the loving role of grandparent you took it upon yourself to destroy the hopes and dreams of the girl in your care… that girl was me your grand daughter who loved and trusted you. I can't wrap my hands around the reasons why you'd do what you did. Its so horrible these things I can't tel l you how much shame and guilt I have for letting you put your hands down my pants and letting you stick your coffee stained tongue in my mouth…

I should hate you but I'm tore between hate and love I loved you and thought you loved me however I realize the love you had for me was not love at all I can't come up with a word for what you are. I finally wised up and decided to stop coming to see you and in doing that I missed out on the last 4 months of grandma's life because of what you did to me I had to avoid her in order to avoid you. I miss her so much and hate so very much that I couldn't tell her what happened. I wish I would have done so instead I protected you. I protected you out of fear that grandma would hate me or wouldn't believe me or that you'd deny any part in it. I hate so much that you caused me to do this to cut ties with her. I feel like you took so much away from me… my confidence, my self worth, my sense of safety, trust, happiness, and most of all my ability to love others. I feel so much hatred for the little girl I was and that hatred is mostly your fault I can't place it all on you because your only one person out of many who chose to hurt me. I wish so much that I would of stood up to you but I have to live with the fact that I didn't and you had to die with the facts that you destroyed a little whether you realized it or not. You had to die without getting to say anything to me… I hope in your last moments of life you wondered why it is I didn't call you or visit you the last few years of your miserable life. I can't forgive you for hurting me. I just wish I could forgive myself and that I can get past all of this and be a better person then you ever where.

Happy? No...

Do you feel like you must pretend to be happy around other people... when inside you feel like you've died?... in public I put on this smile like everything is completely fine but in truth its not... nothing is ok. I feel like everything is crashing down and I can't seem to find my way out of it. I hate myself so very much and i know in my heart i have absolutely no reason to hate myself but I do... it was his fault this happened to me not mine but I seem to hate myself more then i hate him. I am so confused because he was my grandfather and was supposed to love me and instead of protecting me against things that hurt me he caused that pain... I am confused at myself because I let it continue from the time I was 11 to 19... because in some way I still love him but seriously hate him too.. I mean not everything he did was bad we had good times too.

I wish so bad that I could just focus on those good things... except the bad things are winning out and flooding my mind... I'm so very tired of all this I am 26 yrs old now and can't seem to get past what he did to me... I just want to feel good about myself, to feel like i deserve to be happy, to feel loved but I don't feel any of those things... I feel mostly empty...

Evil

Evil hides behind the trees
Evil creeps behind the bushes

It instills fear into those most vulnerable
Evil wears an undetected mask

It can be anyone
A friend, A family member, anyone

I've seen evil
I've lived with evil

Touched by evil
I survived that evil


That evil will not beat me

Teddy Bear

Teddy Bear your always there
I hold you tight.. You never fight

Teddy Bear you hear my cries
You've heard the lies..

Teddy Bear your always there
When I need a friend

Teddy bear you see my tears
You see my fears

You will always be my friend
All the way to the end

Even when I grow up tall
You have been there through it all

Picture of a Monster

I found this picture of my grandpa holding me. My earliest memory of him touching me was when i was 11 but looking at this picture it makes me wonder if he started earlier and i just can't remember... It hurts enough just knowing that it happened when i was 11 that it occured until i was 18 or so. It makes me sick to think that I let it go so long I finally wised up and stopped going to see him and my grandma but at a cost... I missed the last 4 months of my grandma's life shortly after making excuses as to why I couldn't come up there my grandma died of a heart attack.

I regreti t sooo much that I stopped going up there because I didn't get to spend that time with her and I loved her so much and I hate to admit it but I would of taken more abuse from him just to have been able to see her again. what kind of person does that make me be? I hated what he did to me so much. he tore me down, broke my spirit, caused so much pain within me and e doesn't even realize it. He is the reason I didn't get to see my grandma. I wish so very much she was still here I would explain to her why it is I didn't go up there.

I've tried so hard to forgive myself for the time I missed with her but I can't... I know its not my fault for what he caused to occr between us. I know I shouldn't feel quilt for stopping the abuse but I do feel quilt that I didn't tell my grandma because if I had i may of gotten to see her the last 4 months of her life... I can't forgive myself because after her death I felt sorry for the bastard because he was alone in that house so i decided to go back... that was a dumb mistake at that time I was 18 years old and thught maybe he has changed but I was wrong her death only made him worse. I was alone with him more then. this is were the major guilt comes in because I chose to go back. therefore i chose for him to continue to abuse me a part of me new it would continue... I don't understand so many things about him and why he hurt me I just wish i would of been strong enugh to tell someone about it. I miss my grandma soo very much and I am very sorry grandma that I lied to you about not being able to come see you. please forgive me.